So it was the end of the “Something Crunchy” tour. We had bidden farewell to Site who had tagged in the international superstar known as Siologen Jeeves Westminster. With our team assembled we headed down to the Medway and began our mission to cross the murky depths, vessel sighted!

Built in the late 1960s the Foxtrot-class submarine “Black Widow” was in active service until 1994 when it was brought to England and opened as a museum. In 2004 the museum closed and the sub was relocated to the Medway where it now awaits its fate. The Black Widow is currently listing to one side due to a hole in the ballast tanks. Sounds great now all we need is a boat, oh look there’s one.

Compared to the Mk II dingy we used last time this was the QEII, luxurious. We could all fit in quite comfortably, some of us even had a seat, and more importantly I didn’t have another guys nut sack uncomfortably close to my own, great! Planks at the ready we paddled out towards our target. Access proved a bit tricky this time, but before long we were climbing aboard the rusty hulk.

Crunch, crunch, the rust cracked underfoot as we progressed along the hull. In my haste I put my foot down on what I thought was a mesh floor, nope, it was a net with a large hole beneath it, oh boo. I fell forward, jarring my arms backwards and luckily grabbing onto nearby poles stopping the ensuing impalement on the twisted metal below.

Oh god I remember this part, we creaked the hatch open as were greeted by a fragrant waft of warm, fist deep pigeon crap, rotting birds, chicks and of course the flying rats themselves. We had to battle our way along the interior, swiping at the oncoming birds and they attempted to get out of the light. The smell was horrific, even sewers smelt better but we persevered and before long we were climbing down into the belly of the beast.

Id visited the black widow almost three years ago and the deterioration in that time was incredible. Even though the ballast tanks had been pumped out twice in previous years the flooding was evidently getting worse. The sub was listing more severely then on any previous visit and being a dark, cramped and claustrophobic environment, this posed a problem.

Its clear others have been on the black widow, smashed casings, graffiti and general theft is evident throughout the ship. But on the whole it remains intact. Torpedo chambers, radio room, kitchens, living quarters all appear to have been built for a crew of ninja midgets. The worst of which being the radio operators bunk which was smaller then my cupboard at home. We spent a few hours in and above the sub, taking in all the sights to be seen before we called it a night and set sail for the shore.

In the end the Black Widow could easily be maintained as a possibly popular tourist attraction, but only if its given the right attention and care. Unfortunately I fear that unless someone takes action and starts to look after the sub quickly it will end up burnt, or on the bottom of the Medway.